It had been over a month since him and I had been intimate together. I started noticing changes going on with me that I figured were just signs that my birth control was failing to regulate my periods again. I took a pregnancy test to rule it out and call my doctor to discuss other options. It was positive. I was pregnant! How on earth would I tell someone who seemed like he hated me I was pregnant?
After I told him he immediately went the route of abortion. I was NOT allowed to say any other option besides abortion to him. This is when the abuse started between him and I. Sometimes I would get the nerve to tell him I wanted to keep my baby, but he would remind me if I did that he would kill himself. I felt hopeless. I didn't want to be responsible for his death. He would tell me occasionally that he didn't care to take all three of our lives.
I had already been once to the abortion clinic for the mandatory first visit they make you go to. I had to drive out of state just so I didn't know anyone. The day of the abortion I told him I couldn't do it, this wasn't right. I remember him grabbing me so fast, dragging me down the stairs and I was thrown in the car. I felt defeated. I promised myself on the car ride that if I went through with this I would leave him, I would accomplish all of my goals, and never let anyone treat me this way again. Nothing I said helped to justify morally what I was doing. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.
The abortion for me was murder. There is no other way to describe what I went through. It was heartbreaking and very painful. The doctor told me I was "out of control" because I was crying and vomiting from the emotional and physical pain I was in.
In the years that have followed I have always tried to seek forgiveness in everyone around me. I told people I was close to, hoping that when they said "it's okay" I would feel better. It never came until I found God. With God I have learned that he is loving and forgiving. It helps ease the pain in my heart but I have not forgiven myself. This is something I am getting better at everyday. I am blessed to share this story because I suffered in silence for so long. I can no longer do that knowing that there are other women just like me who need to hear that they are not alone. Abortion hurts! It is a LIFE LONG decision, not a quick fix. To those of you who may be thinking of having one I pray that you use the tools Beth has offered on her website and I hope you are brave enough to choose life whether it be raising your child or the beautiful gift of adoption. To those of you suffering with abortion know that there is hope, healing and forgiveness. Please reach out and talk to someone you trust don't keep this within the silence of your heart.