I am now twenty-seven years old, and when I was twenty-one I was in a relationship with a man who I was very much in love with. We had been together about a year, we also lived together. It had probably been months since we had been sexually active let alone even slept in the same bed. He acted like he didn't even care about me anymore. Everyday I wondered if something was wrong with me. Was I not good enough, am I not pretty enough? I had zero self-respect having to beg a man who I was already in a committed relationship with to have sex with me just to feel some sort of worth. When he finally did cave one night, I really thought things were going to turn around. I thought that sex was going to make him love me again, I was wrong.
It had been over a month since him and I had been intimate together. I started noticing changes going on with me that I figured were just signs that my birth control was failing to regulate my periods again. I took a pregnancy test to rule it out and call my doctor to discuss other options. It was positive. I was pregnant! How on earth would I tell someone who seemed like he hated me I was pregnant?
After I told him he immediately went the route of abortion. I was NOT allowed to say any other option besides abortion to him. This is when the abuse started between him and I. Sometimes I would get the nerve to tell him I wanted to keep my baby, but he would remind me if I did that he would kill himself. I felt hopeless. I didn't want to be responsible for his death. He would tell me occasionally that he didn't care to take all three of our lives.
I had already been once to the abortion clinic for the mandatory first visit they make you go to. I had to drive out of state just so I didn't know anyone. The day of the abortion I told him I couldn't do it, this wasn't right. I remember him grabbing me so fast, dragging me down the stairs and I was thrown in the car. I felt defeated. I promised myself on the car ride that if I went through with this I would leave him, I would accomplish all of my goals, and never let anyone treat me this way again. Nothing I said helped to justify morally what I was doing. I wasn't ready to say goodbye.
The abortion for me was murder. There is no other way to describe what I went through. It was heartbreaking and very painful. The doctor told me I was "out of control" because I was crying and vomiting from the emotional and physical pain I was in.
In the years that have followed I have always tried to seek forgiveness in everyone around me. I told people I was close to, hoping that when they said "it's okay" I would feel better. It never came until I found God. With God I have learned that he is loving and forgiving. It helps ease the pain in my heart but I have not forgiven myself. This is something I am getting better at everyday. I am blessed to share this story because I suffered in silence for so long. I can no longer do that knowing that there are other women just like me who need to hear that they are not alone. Abortion hurts! It is a LIFE LONG decision, not a quick fix. To those of you who may be thinking of having one I pray that you use the tools Beth has offered on her website and I hope you are brave enough to choose life whether it be raising your child or the beautiful gift of adoption. To those of you suffering with abortion know that there is hope, healing and forgiveness. Please reach out and talk to someone you trust don't keep this within the silence of your heart.
I was a 17 year old junior in high school. I was a popular guy, a starter on the football and baseball team, dating a freshman in college. We were the perfect couple. She was getting good grades and fitting into the University of Miami Ohio nicely, and my grades were on the rise as well. Our families got along; in fact they always made me feel quite welcome. We enjoyed her visits back home from college a lot. We would hang out with her parents, go to dinner, see movies and spend a lot of time together. As you can imagine, our reunions were much like other long distance relationships. And one night when her parents had left for the evening, we engaged in an act that would change the course of our (my) entire lives. What we did, two teenage kids, was engage in something that God intended for married adults. We thought we were adults, I know I did.
Until one night when she had been at school for approximately 6 weeks after our reunion and she called me on the phone. Except this time when I answered the phone “hello” I could hear her crying in the background. I said, “Julie what’s wrong?” She proceeded to tell me that she had missed her period and that she had taken a home pregnancy test. Julie was pregnant. My life that seemed to be on “cruise control” was a wreck in a 5 minute phone call. I felt like my childhood, the one I had worked so hard to move past as fast as I could make it happen, was gone without any chance of getting it back, ever again...
I was pregnant again. I was scared because I had four other kids that didn’t live with me… they lived with family. Now I was living with my fiancé and became pregnant with his baby. I had two abortions last year and I was feeling really bad about that. My fiancé did not want to have a baby. I wanted to keep it … but I was stuck making a decision. My fiancé thought that abortions were so easy but they were not for me. I had started to feel guilty and felt stuck in an endless and vicious cycle. I reached out to this pregnancy help site, www.knowledgeisempowering.com , and asked Beth what I should do.
Beth helped me clear my mind. She knew that I really didn’t want ANOTHER abortion. She told me, “No one can force you to have an abortion. Not your fiancé, not your husband, boyfriend, mother, father, etc. YOU can make the decision. The responsibility is in YOUR HANDS. YOU are the one who will be faced with feelings of guilt and sickness. Do not let someone else dictate your life. YOU know what is best for yourself.”
I felt empowered hearing those words and know that things will turn out fine with my baby. The women that helped me at the crisis pregnancy center were such a blessing. I kept my pregnancy…and I’ve never felt more certain about anything in my life.
I became sexually active in high school.At the end of my junior year, I found out that I was pregnant. I was naturally upset and tried to figure out how I could take care of a child as a teenager. My boyfriend was upset and freaked out—but he told me that it was my decision. I knew that he didn’t want to have an abortion, but would support me if I wanted to. I didn’t….My parents were angry at first, but gradually warmed up to the idea of being grandparents and helping me support my baby. I had other problems though…I was the star player on the Varsity soccer team and we were looking at another successful season—my senior year. It was hard to tell my teammates— especially the senior girls—that I wouldn’t be there for it. Besides athletics, I wondered how I was going to finish my senior year. My due date fell in the middle of October. Who would care for my child while I finished high school? But everything ended up working out. The girls on my soccer team threw me a baby shower. I had a beautiful baby girl that fall. I named her Olivia. My friend’s mom offered to take care of my baby so I could go to school. The guidance counselor at my school let me take fast-paced classes in the mornings so I could work in the afternoons. It was hard to walk around my high-school pregnant. I noticed everyone acting differently around me when I walked by. At my small high-school everyone knew me as the star athlete. But I got through it with the support of my close friends. I broke up with my boyfriend…he was being immature about being a father and didn’t seem to love me anymore. I loved Olivia and every time I thought about the decision I had made…I was so thankful that I hadn’t considered abortion. The next year, I received scholarships and grants to be able to go to school and I moved away from home. The college I went to offered special housing and discounted babysitting for families. I was able to go to college and be a mommy to my baby!
I met another guy two years later who told me he loved me…and I ended up pregnant with my second child. I was shocked…not once, but twice? What was my problem? Hadn’t I learned? I mean, I loved Olivia…but I hadn’t meant for it to happen twice. Being exposed to the college-world and easy pregnancy prevention and abortion services…I now seriously considered abortion. I talked to a lady at an abortion clinic to get information about the procedure. That night as I fed and played with Olivia…I thought about the baby inside of me that I was planning on killing. I stopped thinking about me, my life, my decision, and thought about Olivia. How could I kill her baby brother or sister? Who was I to take away her future playmate? My eyes filled with tears and I hugged Olivia telling her I was sorry…over and over again. I went to a pregnancy health center as soon as I could and got information about services and help. The woman I met with was so nice and really cared about me. After I had my second child, Kylie, I decided that I needed a big change in my life. I thought that no one would ever want to be with me since I had kids and that I was all used up. Still, I decided that if anyone would ever love me enough to marry me that he would have to wait until we were married to have sex. I was done taking chances and putting my health and well being on the line.
We met in high school art class. Sam sat behind me, but I didn’t really notice him until later that semester when I was buying my ticket for the Homecoming dance.As I was about to pay for my ticket a voice from behind asked; “Why are you buying a single’s ticket?” I turned around to see Sam, a guy I barely recognized at the time.After a short conversation about how buying a ticket at the couple’s rate could save us each 50 cents, I followed his hints and agreed to go to the dance with him.
We had a great time together. As the dance was ending Sam pulled me aside and told me how much he liked me.He said that he could tell that I was different from other girls…for a while I wondered what he meant by that. We went on a few more dates and soon we were girlfriend and boyfriend.As I spent more time with Sam, I began to notice that he was also a bit different than other guys I knew.One night as Sam leaned over to kiss me goodnight before dropping me off from a date, I just blurted out; “Why do you think I am different from other girls?”
Sam explained how he recognized that I respected myself and seemed to be cautious and careful when making decisions.He then told me that he intended to save sex for when he is in love with a women and is married to her. In that moment I realized that this is what set Sam apart from the other guys I knew.
After graduating from high school, Sam and I attended different universities. We found that being in a long distance relationship was challenging, but I knew Sam was worth it.I made many new friends in college. I watched a lot of friends become broken and damaged by relationships in which they gave too much of themselves too quickly. I was thankful for Sam.
After graduating from University, Sam and I got married. Six years may seem like a long time to wait, but it went by quickly.We were able to save ourselves a lot of worry and stress. I was always comforted in knowing that Sam desired me and not just sex.
On the 18th of August I found out that I was 4 weeks pregnant, after that I immediately told my parents.My dad was angry and my mom was sad.They hadn’t even met the guy I was dating yet.He had an earring and I knew my father wouldn’t like him.I thought my life was over.
After a few days, my parents calmed down and wanted to meet my boyfriend, Joe.Joe and I met at university and lived in separate towns. We made arrangements for him to come to my parents' house for a weekend visit. I was very nervous about his arrival, I was certain that it would be the most awkward weekend ever.
When Joe arrived, I was so surprised by how kind my parents were to him. My father and Joe found that they had a mutual obsession with hunting and the outdoors. The two of them spent most of the weekend in my dad’s garage talking about their hunting adventures. I discovered that a new life was about to begin for Joe and I.
Joe began spending more and more time visiting my family and me. One month before our son was born, Joe and I got married.My father helped Joe find a job and my mother helped me find and decorate our new little home. I am currently working on finishing college and I know that there is a bright future ahead for our new family.